#29 The Last Yawn

Oh dear. What a mess have I got myself into? Oh god. Why oh why did you come into my life now. Why? When I needed you, you disappeared without leaving a trace, leaving me hanging in a noose. And now when things were pretty messed up with her, you show up in my door. God. Isn’t there a cure from this? I don’t know what to call it but isn’t there a solution to my sorry state.

Friendships have become dangerous you know. Maybe because of the time I am living in now. Or maybe because I am twenty five and the need for settling down is slowly dawning on me. I am still single. Still searching for her. And that is a weak state. With a weak heart. Fickle and unwise.

In my childhood, friendships meant and felt different. There was innocence and simplicity. Emotions flowed. There was love and that was well defined. Love among friends, love for the friendship between them, love for the awesome and happy times spent together. And when I think about it, I closed my eyes and I now find myself in a state I can’t put together.

Now friendships are slowly turning to love. The borders have become loose and we tend to tread carelessly nowadays. It is difficult to keep a straightforward friendship, one without any feelings of love, one where we accept each other as they are and honour the friendship we are bound with. The blasphemous cupid is all laughs now. He sees the weakness in the heart and shoots his wicked arrow at that critical moment. And we succumb to it.

Why did you step in now dear. Why? All was going well, not that well, still OKish. But you have just made it worse for me. And the funny part is I can’t still understand how this will all work out. I can’t. Really.

You are sweet and cute and naughty. I like you for what you are. And we had such a good friendship. Such a beautiful one. I learnt a lot from you and you from me. Your laugh had innocence, your cry was ear splitting, and your anger was fun to watch. And suddenly I can’t find these features in you anymore. The innocence is gone. It has been killed. And guess I killed it myself.

This is my side of the story. I don’t want to hear your side, for it might bring me to the verge of destruction and I can’t bear that. There is a life ahead, a life I want to live in my own way. And I haven’t even started it and the matters of the heart are making it impossible to move forward.

Is this her doing? Did she spawn you so as to witness my end without getting any blood on her hands? Is this a sign, a sign that I need to let go of her. A simple life is all that I wanted and look where I have got myself into. This is my doing. Mine. No one is to blame for this. I was weak. I am weak. And I am being tested for this.

I need to shake this off. Shake it off now. There is that path I want to tread on. The road less travelled. Gosh it is going to be hard and fraught with pitfalls and dejection and failure but I must tread on. Many will try to pull me back, pull me and make me a part of their system, a system that is rigid and unhappy. I need to move on.

Wake up! Wake up boy!

The sun is shining for you, the birds are chirping for you, the flowers are blooming for you, the wind is singing for you. And where are you? Curled up in your bed? Get up now. Step out. Soak in the sun, the sweet sounds and smell that nature has to offer. Pick up that pen, those papers and get to work. Open those shackles that you have yourself bound on your dreams and let them flow with the tide. And prepare that raft of your confidence and belief and set sail into the ocean of dreams and happiness with that tide.

Wake up. Its time. You have slept enough. Brush off that yawn and dust away those sands and start the day with a smile. Only you can help yourself in chasing your dreams and attaining them. People will come and go, but you must keep on walking. Some will stay with you and some not. Enjoy their company. Have fun. But keep walking on.

It’s high time to wake up.

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